Del Taco — more commonly known as “Of the Taco”, is a Mexican fast food restaurant with a little angst. But determined to discover more about the specialties at this possibly threatening eatery, we set off ordering, eager to attempt new feats and well, pretty much just eat things.

The trademarked Taco Del Carbon® was the item that kept catching our eye.

I was excited about these bad boys. They looked pretty appetizing. Just a simple soft taco made with steak (or choice of chicken), cheese, and some kind of del carbon sauce. I later discovered that carbon translates loosely as coal.

So I get my soft tacos of the coal, and after munching on some pretty damn decent fries cut with good texture, I bust ’em out. And behold, two small, weak looking things that I thought had to be free, thrown in, caramel apple empenadas. But as searched the bag for my tacos, there was nothing.

I was upset. No other way to put it. “These mothers ripped me off”, I thought. “Oh well, shit…”, proceeding to open the foil wraps and eat the damn tiny soft tacos. They had that generic Mexican spice flavor, which I guess was the carbon.

So there was this zest, which was okay, and then there was the steak, which was mediocre. The final thing was the corn tortilla. Not very good. Now, I’m usually a fan or corn tortillas, but this one just didn’t do it for me. It was mostly processed and slightly unprocessed. “Ho hum”, I say to this dish.

I’m going to be straightforward here. Del Taco is a pretty stupid idea for a restaurant chain. Both burgers and tacos? Next we’ll have men marrying goats. Or goats marrying men. Or men marrying tacos. It sets a bad precedent.

What sets a worse precedent are the Tacos Del Carbon. First of all, the name is horrible. It really makes no sense at all. It implies that the food will taste like pencil graphite. An implication which, after tasting these tacos, I have determined would overstate their flavor significantly.

These tacos are essentially bullshit wrapped in a rubbery corn tortilla. The amount of meat present in these “tacos” is laughable. There is probably less than half an ounce. I’m laughing to myself right now as I think about it. Following up that performance is the salsa which is about as interesting as a cinderblock, but with too much cilantro.

All of the inner averageness of the Del Carbons is further ruined by the aforementioned tortilla. Soft tacos can be delicious, but in this case it is just an excuse to give you the taco shell without actually cooking it. The result is limp and lifeless, like Larry King’s phallus but not as fun to taste.

You could easily replicate this taco at home by purchasing some day old steak leavings from your local butcher, placing it inside the cheapest most plasticy corn tortilla you can find, adding a bushel of cilantro, and then forgetting about the entire thing for a week and eating it only when you find it on the kitchen counter behind all the dirty plates.

In short, do not purchase or eat this taco.